Family Starts With Blood
by bjxmas
Summary: 9.13 The Purge tag – You're Winchesters, your lives will never be normal. You've died & come back so many times because you have a job to do & it's not yet done. Who else knows your history, has been there through the good & the bad? You don't throw something like that away. You find a way to move past the hurt to rekindle the love. 100 word drabbles. Dean's final goodbye.
1. The Brutality of Words

9.13 The Purge tag – _Because this is the only way I can reconcile what I witnessed in that final disturbingly raw and emotionally brutal scene. I need to sort through the Winchesters' differing perspectives and try to get inside their tormented, warped brains to reach out as they obviously cannot do at the moment! Dammit, writers, you are ripping our hearts out and stomping on them. Stop it! Now! Please! _

_I naturally see things from Dean's POV, but I'm trying to figure out Sam's. I hope to explore all possible angles and hopefully come up with something to explain why Dean and I have lost our Sammy that we love so fiercely and desperately need back! I KNOW Sam loves Dean and would fight heaven and hell to save him…I just need to feel it again! Because Sam's words not only devastated Dean, they destroyed my belief…and I need it back! ~ B.J. _

Family Starts With Blood

Chapter One - The Brutality of Words

I'm used to getting knocked around.

Kicked when I'm down.

Agonizing actions, brutal blows,

Casual cruelty and deliberate digs.

I don't break that easy.

Conditioned to pain and disappointment.

Enduring the slams and slights.

Defenses locked down.

Safe behind strong barricades.

Or barreling into the fight.

I've only ever needed one thing.

_My family._

With my brother watching my back, united in battle.

I can handle anything.

But not this.

Faith doesn't just slip away; it's shattered.

Casual, cruel words reveal what I could never imagine.

Worse than my worst fears.

The realization sobering.

"You'd do the same."

"No…I wouldn't."

The End

bjxmas

February 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Dammit, Sam! You're Winchesters! You're supposed to have a dysfunctional, dependent life with your brother! You're not normal and normal things like living your own life isn't what your life will ever be. There's a reason why you're supposed to save your brother. There's a reason why both of you have died and come back to life so many times…you have a job to do, and it's not yet done!_

_So forgive your brother because nothing is worth losing what you have. Who else has your history, knows those childhood tales, cares as much and feels so deeply? Get over it, please, because Dean needs his Sammy back and I don't think you truly want to lose your brother!_

_Thanks for reading and please…share your thoughts._

_Later, B.J._


	2. House of Cards

Chapter Two - House of Cards

Sam doesn't run away.

Not this time.

Sits down opposite me.

Locks eyes.

"Okay, let's be honest."

I've never not wanted to hear what he has to say.

How he feels.

But I don't want to hear this.

Truth beyond what my mind could conjure.

Words tear through me.

Blunt, brutal.

Debilitating.

I've always tried to rationalize.

Excuse.

Deny.

Build on my beliefs.

Cling to my truths.

Family.

Purpose.

Home.

_This _truth hits hard, bitter and cutting.

My foundation tilting on shifting sand.

Gale force winds blowing fierce…

Flimsy walls buckling from the strain.

Crumbling.

A house of cards

Folding…

The End

bjxmas

February 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Jensen always manages to convey what Dean is feeling, the devastation chipping away at his stoic attempt to contain the damage, his pain all right there on his face. The shift of his body and the withdrawal behind his walls so excruciatingly painful to watch because those eyes can't lie and Dean doesn't deserve to feel like that for the act of loving too much._

_It's not like he didn't agonize over his decision to save Sam, but honestly, SAM chose to not die back in that church. Sam CHOSE to stop the trials because he wanted to live. So this suicidal bent of his that came later, his willingness to slip away without fighting, to simply accept his fate, is something Dean can't comprehend or accept. Dean's love is his driving force, his determination to save his brother part of his ingrained personality. Can you fault a man for talking another off the ledge?_

_The only thing I can agree with is "It's complicated." Yes, it is, but bottom line is, Winchesters fight until their job is done. They don't quit and they don't give up or give in. It's why they're damn heroes and why their journey will never be easy._

_Thanks for reading. All comments are appreciated._

_Later, B.J._


	3. Limits

Chapter Three - Limits

The look in his eyes.

Trapped in denial.

Lost in longing.

Drowning in despair.

The progression subtle.

Reacting as my truths slip free.

Certainty descending into shock.

I don't want to hurt him.

But he needs to understand.

To accept.

To finally realize…

What he did was _wrong._

There are lines here.

Limits to what we should do.

He told me that once.

Told me how it scared him, how far he would go.

For Dad…for me.

Told me they'd use our love against us.

Told me to be strong.

To let him go.

Enough, Dean.

No more.

Never again.

The End

bjxmas

March 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_In many ways Dean is Sam's father figure, the one guiding him in his early years, the one person Sam has leaned on in the past. It's a role they've both felt comfortable with for a very long time and it's a hard cycle to break. I think Sam has always loved and respected Dean but also rebelled and fought him much as a child tries to separate himself from a parent. It must drive him crazy to still feel that obsessive over-concern, to not be treated fully as an equal and as a grown man. Most especially when his view of right and wrong counters Dean's view._

_Sam's dilemma is how to penetrate Dean's certainty and break down that protective instinct while still protecting his own rights as a man compromised. It's a complex issue and hard course of action. I hope he's trying to shock Dean into the realization instead of simply punishing him._

_Sam has issues. He feels violated and betrayed and he is angry. Somehow they need to come together and actually talk. They need to reach an agreement they can both live with, one born out of love and concern muted by the larger picture of what's right and how far they should go to save the other. _

_It's complicated…_

_Thanks for reading. Any comments, especially ones helping me understand Sam better, are most appreciated. I'll admit, I struggle with his perspective on this one!_

_B.J. _


	4. Strictly Business

Chapter Four - Strictly Business

Sam says we can't be brothers.

Says he'll hunt with me,

But only if we keep it strictly business.

His rules, his demands.

His way…

I'll take it.

What else can I do?

It's nothing new for me.

Way it's always been.

Family means everything.

At least to me.

So we do our job.

Hunting and killing and saving people.

Him and me, co-workers, business partners.

No longer brothers.

Not what I want.

But at least we're together.

I'm used to toeing the line.

Following orders.

Doing what I need to,

To keep this family together.

Even if we're not…

The End

bjxmas

March 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I hated Sam's ultimatum, his indifference and apparent lack of concern for his brother's pain, and most importantly, his abandonment of family. It's what their entire relationship is built on and yet he seriously just wants to be hunting buddies? Not even buddies, simply hunters mutually in pursuit of the same evil! That's quite possibly worse than kicking Dean's ass out, more damaging long-term and more emotionally a whipping point. _

_If Dean didn't care so much for his family and without his existing lack of worth, he would walk away and yet he can't, because it's still his job and purpose to be there for Sam…even when Sam doesn't appear to want or need him. That's who Dean is, who he's always been, and who he will most likely continue to be. Sam, get used to it! _

_Who would have thought the Mark of Cain might be a good thing for the brothers, pushing Sam to want his brother as much as Dean's always wanted him? Sometimes it's good to be reminded of what you're in danger of losing when you still have the chance to change course and fight for it! I hope Sam is beginning to see that and will take action when the time comes. _

_Thanks for reading. Comments?_

_B.J._


	5. Trust

Chapter Five - Trust

I can't trust Dean.

This possession…

This angel _violation._

How could he?

How can he possibly think that's okay?

Dean doesn't think.

He reacts.

Listens to his heart.

Not his head.

He can't keep doing this.

Breaking his own rules.

Throwing away other lives

To save _me._

I don't want that.

I was at peace.

Content.

_Free…_

I was _ready_ to die.

He betrayed my trust.

My belief that he wanted what's best for _me._

This isn't it.

More pain and guilt.

Endless struggles and loss.

This cycle of sacrifice consuming us.

Over and over again.

This has to stop!

The End

bjxmas

March 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I'd like for Sam to at least acknowledge that Dean did this out of love. And he can stow the "You're selfish and afraid to be alone" speech. That only diminishes Dean more and it is not true. Dean may believe it, especially when he is in his lowest, self-punishing frame of mind, but Sam shouldn't. Sam should know better and how he's handling this is just not the Sam I've known and loved, so I'm struggling to understand, as I'm sure Dean is._

_So, hash out your differences, explain why another possession hurt you and why you wish Dean had been able to let you go, but at least recognize the devotion that caused Dean to act when his head was telling him to not do it. _

_Sorry, readers, even when I try to see Sam's side…I'm still pulled back to Dean's! Which is why communication is key, they need to talk because I don't think any of us truly know what's going on in Sam's head at the moment. _

_Discuss away…_

_B.J._


	6. Trust on the Flip Side

Chapter Six – Trust on the Flip Side

Sam says he can't trust me.

That's rich.

Maybe he _doesn't_ know me.

Know _us._

Maybe he never has.

Trust is all I got.

Belief in us.

Him and me, in this together.

I trust Sam with my life.

Always have.

Thought I always would.

Now…

I don't know.

He seems so willing to throw away what we had.

Says I'm _wrong._

I'm used to being wrong, condemned for what I do.

I'll take his grief.

His blame…even his damn hatred.

At least he's alive.

Dad told me to save him.

It's how I'm hard-wired.

It's what I'll always do!

The End

bjxmas

March 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_This is Dean. The Dean I love and the Dean Sam used to know and appreciate. I honestly don't want him to change from how protective he is of Sam. Yes, he needs to practice a little self-care, but it's not going to happen if it means giving less to Sam._

_I can see how that devotion can wear on Sam…to a degree, but I also think it is awesome to have someone in your corner who loves you that much. And I think that's why we love our Winchesters so fervently, because love and family mean so much to them._

_So, that's all I got right now…_

_Talk to me…_

_B.J._


	7. The Agreement

Chapter Seven - The Agreement

We always agreed _not_ to look for each other.

But as Bobby said, it was a non-agreement.

I certainly never meant it.

It was a promise designed to lessen guilt.

If the worst came to pass.

_If _we couldn't find the other.

Something I could never accept or allow.

I'd move heaven and hell to find Sam.

Fight a thousand monsters

To save him.

_He's my brother._

It's my job.

But it's more…it's why I fight.

Why I exist.

To protect him and keep him safe.

I could never leave him.

Abandon my duty.

Shirk my responsibility.

Deny my love.

The End

bjxmas

March 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I think it's pretty obvious where Dean stands on this. It's what I've always admired about him and also what drives you mad when he allows that need to circumvent what he should want for himself. But it's Dean, who he is and why I love him. As is…_

_I still believe in their bond, in Sam, in the ultimate proof that must be coming that Sam feels the same way about Dean. He has to…he simply has to!_

_Thanks for reading. Comments?_

_B.J._


	8. Puppet on a String

Chapter Eight - Puppet on a String

It feels like my entire life hasn't been mine.

My destiny, my _family,_ pushing me into a role I never wanted.

It's like every choice was made for me.

What choices I did make never turned out right.

I know that.

Still…this felt right.

Leaving before another screw-up.

Before another let down.

Dean was there, supporting me in the church.

Telling me he'd handle it.

He shouldn't have to!

Not any more.

My leaving, my _death, _

Was as much for him as for me.

Freeing us both from this burden.

This freaking destiny crap.

Cutting the strings and ending it.

The End

bjxmas

April 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Both our Winchesters can get morose and down, depressed and on the verge of surrender, but what sets them apart is their bond. When one is at the end of his rope, it's the other that steps up and gives them purpose again, the strength to take that next step and never give up. It is the yin and yang of their personalities, the two of them fitting together perfectly as this unstoppable force for good, fighting the good fight because they can!_

_Thanks to all who have commented in the reviews. I love discussion and hearing other views and insights. To my Guest reviewer(s) thanks for offering me another glimpse inside Sam's head. You made some very valid points and it helps me understand Sam a little better. I think what we all want is the boys to talk and share what they are feeling and what their thought processes are…but I guess that's a pipe-dream and why writers like me write our stories, to try to get to the heart of the matter! _

_Comments? Please share away…_

_B.J._


	9. That's My Job

Chapter Nine – That's My Job!

Is that what Sam wanted?

To die?

To just give up?

At the church, he wanted to live.

Asked for my help.

Trusted me to save him.

That's my job!

Always has been.

I prayed for help.

Swallowed any sliver of pride and _begged._

Begged God or angels or _anyone _

To save my brother.

I couldn't fail him.

Couldn't let Sammy die.

Not if I could save him.

I hated lying.

Wanted to tell him the truth.

But I know Sam.

Knew he'd kick the angel out.

Preferring to die.

He can hate me.

Leave me.

At least he's alive.

The End

bjxmas

April 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Sorry this is so late in posting, I had more computer problems! Now that the finale has aired, my issues &amp; concerns about the boys are settled and this series almost seems inconsequential, but I'll finish posting what I've already written and I have a few more ideas for the final chapters that offer some closure._

_Then I think I'll be inspired to delve into all the ramifications of that shocking but satisfying season finale. I simply must tell my own tale of what might happen, because I certainly can't wait five months to see what comes next!_

_As always, thanks for any comments and discussion._

_Later, B.J._


	10. Lonely Battles

Chapter Ten - Lonely Battles

My brother didn't look for me when I was stuck in Purgatory.

For a whole year he turned his back on me.

Left me alone, struggling to survive.

I've tried to rationalize his reasons.

Excuse the behavior.

Still, the reality stings.

_Abandonment. _

Our agreement was a non-agreement.

Never what I believed or could bear to do.

I sold my soul for him!

Then I surrendered his body…

I'm not saying it's right.

But if it's wrong.

Then it's wrong for the right reasons.

Because we're family.

Because that's worth fighting for.

Even if I have to fight alone.

_Weary warrior._

The End

bjxmas

April 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Not to beat a dead horse, but I just feel this is how Dean feels. Alone, abandoned and yet he will never desert his brother or give up the fight. Dean doesn't know how to quit. So he trudges on, taking dangerous risks. He is a warrior and the battles have been bloody and grueling. He won't ever stop until his last breath. Taking on the Mark of Cain was the desperate act of a man with nothing to lose. Without his family, that's Dean._

_After seeing the season finale, I know Sam has regrets, wishes he could turn back the clock and forgive his brother sooner. Maybe then all this wouldn't have come to pass…_

_My heart aches for both our boys. _

_Comments? Discussion? A hug?_

_Thanks again, B.J._


	11. Bunker Mentality

Chapter Eleven - Bunker Mentality

The bunker was a welcome refuge from the road.

A place to unpack…settle in…

Set out a few personal items.

Mom's picture.

My records.

_Home._

Warm and safe.

Secure from all the nasties that exist in our world.

Now it's a place to work.

No room to hide.

Sam's there…but not.

Every encounter makes me ache.

Yearn for what we had.

This separation…this _estrangement_.

Stretching us.

Contorting what we were.

What I thought we had.

Leaving me empty and hollow.

Carved out and gutted.

Longing for a connection…that familiar feeling.

A sense that I belong.

That we're gonna make it.

The End

bjxmas

May 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_This makes me ache for both our boys. For the wasted time and the stubbornness that keeps them both from reaching out and resolving their issues until the last possible minute! Why don't they learn? Why don't they remember the unbearable pain of losing a brother, and admit that the intense love they share will make them do desperate things? Sam now knows regret and I hope Dean knew that forgiveness was his in those final moments._

_I think all Dean focused on was his love for his kid brother and the pride he had in them, two brothers facing down evil and saving the world. It was enough for him to have Sam by his side in his time of dying. Dean never did ask for much in this world, just his family beside him. _

_Thanks for reading, any and all comments furthers the discussion!_

_Later, B.J. _


	12. Faith

Chapter Twelve - Faith

I was trying to save your life.

Desperate.

Willing to do whatever I could to keep you with me.

Someone died.

That's on me, not you.

I didn't know.

But it's done now.

I can't undo it and to be honest,

I don't know that I would.

If that makes me wrong.

Fine.

Seeing you in that hospital bed.

Resigned, accepting.

Weak and incapacitated.

For the first time in my life,

You needed me.

I couldn't fail you.

I just couldn't.

I called on everyone for help.

Joshua finally coming through with Roy.

A faith healer.

I needed to believe.

The End

bjxmas

May 2014

_Thanks to my anonymous Guest reviewer who reminded me of Sam's bid to save his big brother in Faith. It wasn't a possession, but it did result in an innocent man losing his life so Dean could live. Another burden that Dean took on and I remember so well his frustration and the tinge of anger that flared and then how he immediately backed off. Dean never blamed Sam, instead taking on the guilt himself._

_Sam needs to remember that feeling, that desperate hopelessness and dread at the prospect of losing his big brother. And he needs to remember the compassion Dean had for the guy who died, but also for his kid brother who was only trying to help. Blame is a nasty weapon, one that tends to be wielded in anger, without thought. It does no good, especially when the intentions behind the original act of saving a brother are noble and good, and done out of love._

_Comments?_

_B.J._


	13. The Other Side of Faith

Chapter Thirteen - The Other Side of Faith

I lost all faith when Mom died.

Even when Angels and God were proven to exist,

I had no reason to believe in their goodness.

I've never counted on divine intervention or them giving a crap about us.

All I've ever had to believe in was my brother.

Our family bond.

I promised Sam I'd take care of him.

Told him the trials wouldn't end him.

That he wasn't supposed to die…not for any reason.

We'd find another way.

When faced with him dying,

I'd have danced with the devil to save him.

Without Sam there's nothing worth believing in.

The End

bjxmas

June 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_This is the essence of Dean, his purpose and his role within his family and as a hunter, to be a protector. And it is never that he is afraid to be alone, rather it's that he doesn't want to be alone. He will, and has been, but only if it is what Sam requires, never by his own desire. I don't think that makes him weak or needy, instead showing how much value he puts on his family and that brotherly bond._

_And I think Sam can relate…now, and before when he faced losing Dean. When Sam has lost Dean, he's been lost, on a downward spiral. So the brothers are the same in this respect, needing the other as Winchesters do. It's what I love most about Show!_

_Comments? Discussion? Truths and theories?_

_Thanks again for reading and if you care to leave a comment, I am happy to discuss more! ~ B.J._


	14. The Weight of Guilt

Chapter Fourteen - The Weight of Guilt

How many times have I let Dean down?

My confession…

Back at the church.

It was what I'd done to Dean!

He deserves better…d_eserves_ Benny.

A brother who has NEVER let him down!

It's like a dagger in my gut.

Seeing that.

Knowing that.

_Want…_

That's all I've ever wanted.

To be like my big brother.

To be strong and sure.

And yet, I'm not.

Not when I feel myself lashing out at him.

Hurting him.

So damn furious.

Unable to forgive this betrayal.

He should have let me go.

Stopped this charade.

Ended the lie.

Set us both free…

The End

bjxmas

April 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_This is feeding into and elaborating on Sam's speech at the church. I'm not sure what Sam is thinking or feeling, but if he seriously felt he'd let Dean down his entire life, then this makes sense, him possibly wanting to go out on a high note with Dean's forgiveness and acceptance._

_I struggle with Sam because he seems to ricochet back and forth from self-loathing to superiority and confidence. So sure in what he's doing that he doesn't need Dean's council and wanting to do things his own way. _

_It's his striking out at Dean and blaming him that wears on me. There too, he seems to vacillate from admiring and supporting his big brother in the early seasons to warring with him and accusing him in the later. I'm wondering if it is the separation between child and parent that tears at them, Sam finally fighting Dean like he fought Dad? Trying to establish who he is without the parental figure that looms larger-than-life over him? _

_Whatever it is, I think he's going to realize soon how important Dean is to him and maybe, just maybe, he'll again remember that panic and terror and willingness to do anything to save his brother. I hope so. Not that there shouldn't be limits, but I'd like to believe that, like everything else the Winchesters do when they break all the rules and follow their own course, that their love and bond will rule their actions. (I wrote this prior to the Finale, and I'm so glad that Sam realized how much he did love Dean and that he told him, "I lied!" So happy we got that reconciliation from the bros!)_

_Comments? Because this one is kinda out there and I'm not sure what y'all will feel about it._

_Later, B.J._


	15. Guilt is a One-way Street

Chapter Fifteen - Guilt is a One-way Street

Kevin is dead because of _me._

Because I let that sonuvabitch inside my brother.

Sam feels violated…the kid's dead.

And it's all... my... fault...

I don't know if I'd change anything.

Don't know that I could ever let Sam die.

Not if there's a chance to save him.

All we ever need is a chance…and yet.

This spiraled out of control so fast.

Spinning towards this ultimate betrayal.

_None _of this is Sam's fault.

I can't allow him to take on this guilt.

It's on me!

All of it.

And he's right to make me pay.

I deserve it…and more.

The End

bjxmas

April 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Guilt is the cornerstone of Dean's existence. Whether it is deserved or not. He takes on guilt because he accepts responsibility…for everything. _

_He's learned to deal with it, to live with the pain and ignore the longing for better. I bet as a young child he felt Mom's death was his fault, that if only he had been a better son, followed orders better, anticipated his dad and Sammy's needs better, he could change things and keep them safe. _

_So are the brothers equal in their capacity to assume guilt? Will they ever learn to accept the best they have to give and forgive the losses? Let's discuss… _

_B.J._


	16. Through My Eyes

Chapter Sixteen - Through My Eyes

I wake up screaming.

Gut clenched in terror.

Can't erase the image.

The feelings.

Can't forget or forgive.

My hands scorching the life out of Kevin.

Eyes burnt black, the stench of failure consuming me.

Like my shame…and my regrets.

I'm alive.

Kevin is dead.

An unholy trade.

A desperate payoff.

Dean did this.

To both of us…

Killing our friend.

But it was my hands…

Ultimate cost of befriending a Winchester…

Dean saved me when I was ready to die.

I told him I wouldn't do the same.

But I can't _not…_

Can't lose Dean.

My brother bleeding out…

The End

bjxmas

June 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Concerning the S9 Finale and what I hope will come to pass in S10; I can't express how happy I am that Sam would do anything to save Dean! That he loves and cherishes his brother like Dean deserves to be loved and cherished! That the love and care is reciprocal…and that we can now feel it. It's all about the feels with our boys, which is a joyous and tragic ride! _

_I can't wait for Sam to save Dean in S10. Can't wait to see how this all plays out. Oh, the glorious angst and that Winchester bond! Good times…even if it will be scary as hell! _

_I simply HAD to post a chapter today, in Honor of Croatoan Day, August 1__st__, 2014. Isn't it amazing how quickly five years flies by? How what Edlund wrote as the future is now our present? I've got my eye out for DoubleDeans today…and that badass Lucifer!Sam. Aren't we glad OUR Dean never descended to that point, never gave up, never gave in, never became the guy who would sacrifice his friends!_

_And remember, Demon!Dean isn't Dean! Our Dean will return…Sammy will see to it! _

_Comments, concerns, desires? _

_Later, B.J._


	17. Liar

Chapter Seventeen - Liar

I lied.

I was mad and hurt and wanted to break through Dean's denial.

Wanted him to face up to what he'd done.

Admit he was wrong.

Hell…I wanted to punish him!

I never thought it would come to this.

_Never thought…_

I should have.

I remember…how it was before.

Dean selling his soul, the hellhound ripping through him.

Guess I buried it.

Too harsh and unforgiving…too unthinkable.

So I turned on Dean.

I was cold and condemning.

_Cruel…_

I cut him off, took away his family and his purpose.

Left him wide-open to accept the bloody Mark of Cain.

The End

bjxmas

May 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Dean is often reckless, focused on the end goal and oblivious to protecting his own life. His life unimportant and expendable. Couple that wild-streak with being cast out from his family and it is a blueprint for disaster. He had nothing to lose, having already lost Sammy, and he felt he had much to atone for, his focus on stopping Abaddon, so he went all-in and took on the Mark, without even stopping to consider the danger and the ultimate cost._

_So I'm sure Sam again has regrets and feels guilt. He will be a man with a purpose now, focused on saving his big brother and that hits me in the feels…it's what I've wanted for a very long time. _

_Season Ten will be a wild ride with hopefully some tender, sweet bro moments to make all this pain worth it!_

_Comments? Desires? What do YOU want in S10 and for the brothers?_

_Later, B.J._


	18. The Mark of Cain

Chapter Eighteen - The Mark of Cain

When Cain offered Dean the Mark

My brother had nothing to lose.

He'd already lost me…lost _us._

Without his family

Dean gets reckless.

Focused on the job.

His life unimportant.

Disposable.

Nothing more crucial than stopping evil.

However he can.

Regardless of the cost.

Bold and heroic and totally crazy.

All-in.

I could see the Mark was changing him.

Dean admitted it at the end.

Said it was best.

Said it was making him into something he didn't want to be.

A killer…

_Worse._

Dean never deserved this.

My brother's better than this.

I will save him.

_A brother's promise._

The End

bjxmas

July 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I think the big distinction to remember here is, Dean never chose to become a demon and he never succumbed to the lure of power and bloodlust. He wanted to kill Abaddon and Metatron because they were evil and were a danger to the world. It was never about power or glory. It was about doing the job that he felt only he could. It was sacrifice. Dean's safety and life a small price to pay to save others…at least in his mind._

_Crowley was right about Dean being scared of what the blade was doing to him, and Dean fought as hard as he possibly could, but the Mark marked him in the worst way, opening him up to true evil and unholy desire…to kill, to maim, to seek out more blood and mayhem._

_I hope Sam realizes his part in all this, how distancing himself from his brother pushed Dean further down that road. Neither brother makes the best decisions when they are separated. They are always better together, stronger, more focused, more able to think things through and work as a team for a solution that doesn't involve one of them dying!_

_Thanks for reading, comments and discussion are always welcome._

_Later, B.J._


	19. He's My Brother

Chapter Nineteen – He's My Brother

Dean was determined.

Set on killing Abaddon…then Metatron.

Focused on the job…the only job he had left.

I cut him out of my life.

Said he wasn't my brother.

But he was…_is…_

_Was…_

When Metatron shoved that blade into his chest.

Nothing else mattered.

_Dean! _

I still hear my scream.

Feel my gut drop.

Racing to his side.

Trembling, I held him.

Pulled him to his feet.

_Willed_ my brother to live.

He held on as long as he could.

Finally begging me to stop.

Bleeding out and yet…he _smiled._

All his energy focused on me.

"I'm proud of us."

The End

bjxmas

August 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I'm so happy to have our boys back even though the pain is palpable! I love Sam's determination to save his brother, love the fierceness of his pursuit, the pulsing anguish driving his actions. This is the Sammy I love, the Sammy who will not give up on his brother, even when Dean asks him to let him go. _

_Demon Dean is gorgeous, delightfully mesmerizing, and scary as hell. He has his memories, that part that is still Dean, but he doesn't care. He…doesn't…care! A Dean who doesn't care isn't the Dean we know and love, because caring for his kid brother, protecting Sammy and wanting for him, IS who Dean is! Not to mention caring for all those innocents!_

_What a fascinating journey our Winchesters are on! They are going to take us down into the depths before we soar as they reconnect as they must! It's good to see Dean enjoying himself, even if it is a false happiness, an empty, shallow, means-nothing-without-his-brother-by-his-side blissful pursuit of all things pleasurable._

_It is agony to see Sam's descent into despair, how wasted he looks, and yet I am loving his dedication to his brother in spite of the pain of what Dean has become. I want to hug him and tell him it will be okay, that he will save Dean, that the brotherly bear hug is coming!_

_I am as excited for S10 as I've ever been: the tension, the twists, the possibilities! Our writers are going there and our actors are kicking ass!_

_Thanks for reading and talk to me, if the urge strikes you!_

_One more chapter, Dean's version of "I'm proud of us!" coming soon…_

_B.J._


	20. Proud of Us

Chapter Twenty - Proud of Us

I'm not used to losing.

But then…I'm not normally up against the power of God.

I killed Abaddon!

The Blade and I working our Mark of Cain mojo.

I felt the power of the blade course through me.

Throbbing…pulsing.

_Controlling…_

It scared me...

And was _exhilarating._

I closed my eyes to the danger, barreling into battle.

I hated knocking Sam out.

But I had to protect him.

This was _my _fight!

When the angel sword pierced me.

Time stilled…

My brother gasped.

Raced to my side.

My vision blurring…

My life draining away.

My only focus…_Sam._

"I'm proud of us."

The End

bjxmas

October 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I think that concludes this series. Was the S9 finale perfect? No, probably not, but it got them moving in the same direction, brought them together, holding tight to each other and feeling that brotherly bond. They could have said more, but they said enough. And it always leaves us longing for more: more discussion, more caring and sharing, more insight and just more of our Winchesters!_

_I am loving S10, loving whatever they throw our way! I'm just happy the Js are still happy doing the show, still committed to their characters, still challenged and delivering on the intense journey Sam and Dean are on. _

_Oh, and I love Misha and Mark joining the cast as regulars! More Castiel and Crowley allows the brothers to engage and build complex relationships with other characters. Those interactions give us more flavors, more insight, and just more complications! Not to mention more actors lessens the work load, giving Jensen and Jared a breather from being in every, single scene! They have given us so much, they deserve the support on set and a chance to have a home life with their wives and kids without being exhausted from overwork!_

_I'm proud of Sam and Dean, and Jensen and Jared! Proud of the Supernatural family, on both sides of the screen! We've made it ten seasons against incredible odds, as Jensen said in the Very Special Supernatural Special, they find the possible in the impossible. How awesome to be witness to that!_

_Until next time, take care, B.J._


End file.
